In hiding

In Family, Random, Rant on January 22, 2017 at 4:18 am

I haven’t spoken to my family for a week, I haven’t been on social media as much… I feel like, I’ve left the outside world. My trusted colleague Jay left work… we used to go for walks every lunch hour and we rely on each other to stay sane. Now I haven’t got anyone to confide in on a day-to-day basis. My world feels so much smaller, the fringes of my vision is grey. I haven’t had the courage to tell my parents about my unsuccessful application to teach in China. It’s hard to explain how close I was or why it didn’t work out. The bottom line is, I simply didn’t get it. And I told them I got it.

We’re visiting J soon, maybe I’ll tell them then. Right now, I haven’t been able to pick up the phone. I can’t. I can’t tell them what happened then go through why. I haven’t told many of my friends either bar Steve and Jay. I feel like I’ve let them down, I was so sure of the job, so sure. I did say I was going to pick myself up again, but it’s a lonely place when time eats at you, when you’re alone for a weekend without uttering a word. I can see this is unhealthy, I’m stripped back, I’m raw. I’m not feeling disappointment over the job anymore, the feeling’s shifted onto my person.

My heart and my mind are telling me two different things, I can’t help but feel like shutting myself out, but I know it’s nothing to do with my work – it was all down to a Master’s Degree, nothing to do with my skills, experience and personality. It’s not even personal. But it doesn’t make me feel any better, the rope I was about to use to get out, is still gone. I’m stuck, I’m terrified of work, I can’t leave and nobody wants me.

It’s a first world problem, being unhappy in a fortunate situation. Least I still have a job and roof over my head – maybe this is clarity? My head is screwed on. I have it good. I have enough, is it greedy to want more? Do I want more? Or do I want better? There’s nothing stopping me from resigning on Monday and go freelance – I’m stopping myself from taking that leap, should I risk my mortgage? Should I risk hardship?

There’s a whole array of reasons I’m feeling the way I do, sense of failure, rejection, inadequacy, fear, stuck in a rut, loneliness, emptiness, lost, worthlessness, yet I know these are only temporary. I’m waiting for my moment to shine, like every fall, we get back up. I want to feel glory, I want to feel relief, I want to feel like… I’m wanted. I have far too few of these moments…


I haven’t told my parents anything yet. I best figure out how to. Then I can reconnect to the world…

It’ll be fine. Really.


This happened today…

In Politics on January 20, 2017 at 10:02 pm


The 45th President of the United States.

President Donald Trump.

Let’s see where this go!

BIG changes cancelled – devastated.

In Art & Design, Random, Rant, Travel on January 17, 2017 at 8:14 pm

The plan was to teach in China for a year, I was to be a Senior Lecturer teaching Advertising. UCLAN and Hebei University are in partnership to teach certain modules over there, currently they need someone who can run the course. I felt with my background and familiarity with the modules, staff and UCLAN I was in a good position to help them reach a good standard. I’ve studied on the course myself and graduated with a first, I’m already volunteering my time and experience for them.

I was told the job was mine, with another person, I was to drop in immediately and she was to follow in September. However, the one obstacle was the fact I had no Master’s. It’s an entry-level requirement for Hebei University, Paul (Deputy Head of International?) was confident he can persuade them to overlook that due to the weight of my experience. It sounded positive when we last spoke on Friday, he was going through certain channels and I felt like I was 99% there. I was so excited I decided to tell my Mum, then Dad and family, then certain people in my inner circle. I was that confident.

I was prepared, I did plenty of research on Baoding and I have a few ideas on my method of teaching – mainly how to break down ads, deconstruct it into types and simplify for students who struggle with the complexity of the English language. I’ve identified certain examples, I noted which books to take, which books I needed to prioritise reading. It was all going to plan, I was prepping myself psychologically. Plus I set my heart on leaving the current place, I was imagining the moment I’m handing my notice over. It’s time for change. J and C are gone, on my lunch time walk this afternoon I realised I have nobody left.

It’s not to be. I received a call at 3 and Paul apologised for the bad news. They couldn’t convince them, many correspondence were sent but they declined to budge – the sticking point was my lack of a Master’s degree. I guess the other girl will start as soon as. Another option was to become a member of staff here and get sent over for a period of time, still no. Paul said he tried very hard, I believe him from the times we spoke in person and on the phone. I really think I could have made a difference over there, why else would I uproot myself for a year – to go to a foreign land, into the most polluted city in the country, and be away from my friends and family. This isn’t some kind of youthful desire to explore the world, I’m genuinely excited at teaching raw students, in a very infant Advertising course, I was looking forward to working with the staff on this side and together, help nurture new creative thinkers in China.

I am pretty devastated. At being unable to teach, being rejected and being stuck.

It won’t put me off teaching, I’d still love to go back to UCLAN when I can because I want to see how the First years develop, I’m excited for Kev’s group. In the meantime, I need to dust myself off and cast this aside. I already feel better having written this down. I feel like shit but… need to pull myself up.

I guess my BIG change is cancelled…

It’s just the way it is.