I haven’t spoken to my family for a week, I haven’t been on social media as much… I feel like, I’ve left the outside world. My trusted colleague Jay left work… we used to go for walks every lunch hour and we rely on each other to stay sane. Now I haven’t got anyone to confide in on a day-to-day basis. My world feels so much smaller, the fringes of my vision is grey. I haven’t had the courage to tell my parents about my unsuccessful application to teach in China. It’s hard to explain how close I was or why it didn’t work out. The bottom line is, I simply didn’t get it. And I told them I got it.
We’re visiting J soon, maybe I’ll tell them then. Right now, I haven’t been able to pick up the phone. I can’t. I can’t tell them what happened then go through why. I haven’t told many of my friends either bar Steve and Jay. I feel like I’ve let them down, I was so sure of the job, so sure. I did say I was going to pick myself up again, but it’s a lonely place when time eats at you, when you’re alone for a weekend without uttering a word. I can see this is unhealthy, I’m stripped back, I’m raw. I’m not feeling disappointment over the job anymore, the feeling’s shifted onto my person.
My heart and my mind are telling me two different things, I can’t help but feel like shutting myself out, but I know it’s nothing to do with my work – it was all down to a Master’s Degree, nothing to do with my skills, experience and personality. It’s not even personal. But it doesn’t make me feel any better, the rope I was about to use to get out, is still gone. I’m stuck, I’m terrified of work, I can’t leave and nobody wants me.
It’s a first world problem, being unhappy in a fortunate situation. Least I still have a job and roof over my head – maybe this is clarity? My head is screwed on. I have it good. I have enough, is it greedy to want more? Do I want more? Or do I want better? There’s nothing stopping me from resigning on Monday and go freelance – I’m stopping myself from taking that leap, should I risk my mortgage? Should I risk hardship?
There’s a whole array of reasons I’m feeling the way I do, sense of failure, rejection, inadequacy, fear, stuck in a rut, loneliness, emptiness, lost, worthlessness, yet I know these are only temporary. I’m waiting for my moment to shine, like every fall, we get back up. I want to feel glory, I want to feel relief, I want to feel like… I’m wanted. I have far too few of these moments…
I haven’t told my parents anything yet. I best figure out how to. Then I can reconnect to the world…
It’ll be fine. Really.