Feeling low

In Random, Rant on July 30, 2017 at 3:12 am

I’m at my lowest ebb today.

I feel like I have somewhere else to be, anywhere but here surrounding my four walls. My morning was routine, I buried myself in my portfolio, struggled to finish an idea. There were things on my mind – mainly an unexpected invoice, my eon bill going up from £44 to £64p/m, the legal fee. I did buy a train ticket to Sheffield, even that didn’t cheer me up. I felt a knot in my stomach, a deep sense of dread mixed with loneliness.

I kept myself moving by thinking about the support I have, I’m so fortunate in that respect. AY messaged out of the blue to see how I was – the timing was good, he cheered me up and his offer to meet for lunch was greatly appreciated. I thought about last night meeting Kev and Chris in NQ, they were encouraging – and telling me what I needed to hear. Truth be told, I’m a natural worrier so despite their good intentions I can’t help but feel the way I do. I’m seriously considering asking my GP for an appointment with a shrink – I don’t know what I’m feeling and I don’t want to fall into a hole. Is it hopelessness? I’m not good enough, no-one wants to hire me. My mind is working hard to convince me otherwise, I KNOW I’m good enough to get a job but I’m refusing to hear my own voice. Nobody wants to take a chance on me and because nothing is happening – I’m thinking I’m being rejected. That my work is crap.

I’ve been shuffling my portfolio around, Chris and Kev told me to stop working on that and just go out and meet people – that first break is what I need. They’re absolutely right, and I’m just shifting boxes in the same room – I’m not getting anywhere by moving projects around.

I was at Contemporary on Thursday, Rachel asked how I was doing – she was checking on my health – I said ok. Kathryn and Olivier too, they asked. Talking about my situation is becoming more emotional, only so many times I can say that I’m ok. Eventually I won’t be, or even now I’m not sure if I am. Mum and Dad doesn’t know, but I have a feeling Mum does – mothers can sense it. I know for a fact I haven’t been eating well, my diet is all over the place and I’ve lost weight. I’m also feeling weird aches in my body and feeling worn out during dance, I never felt tired like the way I do now. Seriously, I know I’m changing. That’s part of my worry, that mentally and physically, I’m affected, I’m eroding, sinking.

I have a lot of friends but I feel so alone, my closest mates, my sisters, my acquaintances, my dance pals, my FB friends, they can’t help me. It’s a demon I have to fight myself. I’m smart enough to know something is wrong, but am I smart enough to do something about it?

You know what, I already feel better having written about this.

Maybe that’s what I needed to do? Whoever I tell this to, can’t help anyway – my feelings won’t disappear until I get my foot in somewhere and bring income into my account. I don’t like this uncertainty, I’m without safety net and it’s terrible, I absolutely hate every moment of it. But, that’s the card I’m dealt – I have to live with it. Kev told me it’s horrible because he’s been there, the beginning is the worse, I can’t do anything about it until someone takes a chance on me.

In the meantime I’ll keep myself busy with the portfolio. I have to keep sending emails out, first thing Monday – get them out. Go and meet people.

I can’t bear living like this, I really need to secure a job.



The Red Shoes at The Lowry

In Dance, Random on July 11, 2017 at 11:55 pm

I wasn’t going to see this, that was the plan. Not that I didn’t want to, I thought the tickets were probably expensive and left it at that. I kept catching adverts selling this great show and when I was at The Lowry one afternoon – I spontaneously bought the tickets, one for me and one for Andi (didn’t take much convincing to come!). I left it too late and got centre row S seats, that’s two rows from the back wall! It’s not too bad but wished I was closer, don’t get them again!

Fast forward to this evening. Circumstances in my life has changed but my passion for dance hasn’t. I missed dancing when I was off. The show was absolutely exquisite, it was spectacular in production – especially the inventive use of the stage. An elaborate curtains behind curtains, a show within a show. The dancers were amazing, their every move scrutinised by me and Andi, both in awe of their physical prowess. The choreography was wide and varied, I spotted tributes to Argentine Tango, Ballroom, Tap (the hilarious two Egyptians!) and maybe another Latin dance – of course interpreted through classical dancing.

I didn’t know much about the story, but I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know it. I loved every dancer up there, especially the lead lady – so charismatic. At one point I focussed solely on the way she moved her arms – we always think of dancing with feet but it’s really the entire body, and arms add so much dimension to their stature. The extra extension, the extra reach and arches make their stage presence felt. Every one of them, I admire so so much, to do this day in and day out. I know it’s not easy at all, to make us feel so good, to thrill us, the work they put in preparation and rehearsal is enormous. Respect to every dancer there, and their crew.

I adored the set, and I must say – it’s one of the best I’ve seen yet in all of my trips to the theatre. It’s so simple yet effective, one device to offer multiple scenes by using both sides. Plus the unexpected white backdrop was a lovely surprise, the layering and projection was wonderful. The lighting was brilliant throughout, creating a world for us to live in. As a designer, I really appreciated the stunning work done for the set. The ending was intense, like a klaxon heralding the end of our heroine. I was stunned by Casanova – now I’m stunned again by The Red Shoes.

It’s a must watch, I’m glad I decided to go. It’s unmissable I would even say.

It’s one of the best I’ve seen, everything is 5 star!

(Photos not taken by myself obviously, they were taken off image search, credit to the photographer)




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In Hope, Lurve..., Random on July 7, 2017 at 11:55 pm

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