Solace in tap
I booked a night for myself, Studio 4, me and my shoes. I didn’t want to see anyone – I wanted to be alone. I had an hour playing with rhythm – started slow but got into it, I’m slowly improving but long way to go. I felt much more confident than three sessions ago… rhythm is about knowing which part of your foot to use – to make the sound you want – with the music you’re hearing. You shade the steps, like you would play the drums or strum the guitar. It’s tuning to the sound, heel drops and stamps are heavy and snappy shuffles are sharp, there are so many ways to play rhythm, imagine swimming in possibilities, I’m blindly exploring the sounds of my feet. It’s a wonderful feeling to listen to a track and get into the groove of it, at the moment it doesn’t sound great but I’m gradually finding a rhythm here and there. The trick is continuity, I can’t stop… my hesitations should be turned into pauses or hand claps, the count must go on… I always stop to find myself when I should really carry on. It’s ok to mess up but always carry on!
I have been slack with my drop shuffles, didn’t know why until tonight, I haven’t been using height. Basically I got lazy and did the bare minimum to drop-shuffle, sounds awful. I attempted with better core action and height, instantly my steps sounded way better. I concentrated on toe-pickups, and sadly no success yet. Toe-pullbacks I can just about do it, but no drop, shuffle, toe-pickups… nope! At the moment it’s the impossible challenge. I kept trying with little success, the front of the foot is unwilling to snap back… there’s a method somewhere, just gotta find it. I tried wings and they came easier, still not the best but they’re coming, I have the single wings to face next… I felt heavy to be honest, I haven’t been using my core at all. I’ll be conscious of it next time, it’ll wear me out quicker but I reckon it will also improve me drastically… it’s a game-changer!
It was an hour and half, mixed with strenuous exercises and rhythm. It felt amazing, just what I needed. Took my mind off everything. On Monday I was afraid of falling out of love with tap but tonight was a reminder of why I’m in love with tap, it takes me on a journey!
I want more…
Aftermath from yesterday…
I was still fuming when I got into work earlier. I spent nearly 8 hours venting my anger and jotting notes – I finished at 2am. Not sure when or if I should blog it… it’s VERY long, VERY detailed… and VERY personal.
I still couldn’t look the individual in the eye. I continued with my job in a professional manner and stuck to that… I responded when necessary, and he’s been very polite. It didn’t matter anymore, the final straw was yesterday, I had such a shit day – I was emotionally wrecked.
Was pulled in for another chat with the Creative Director, apparently the letter is now downgraded from an official warning to just a letter. I mean what the hell? What was the point then?! Also the HR guy seem to think the letter will draw a line in the sand. What the fuck?! I had absolutely no defence! Accusations were laid against me – I will dispute all the points except for time keeping. How can the HR guy think we can end it like this?! I HAD NO SAY!
I was quite emotional last night, it was too much even for me. My mind is clear now, regrettably I have to ensure my own wellbeing. My Creative Director, said anything I do will affect everyone in the company – as opposed to just affecting me?! I’m sorry to everybody there, I don’t want it to affect them but I can’t see another way, I can’t let it go or let it be swept under. I’m so sick of it.
What was the formal talk for? Why get the Creative Director involved? All for nothing? A mistake? I’ll fulfil their requests and be there on time – not even a minute late, I should also go on time as well, not a minute more.
It’s all so stupid and avoidable. He just pushed me over the edge, I just… have to stand up against bullying.
I can’t suffer in silence any longer.